My fingers are eagerly going.

My mind kind of numb

and

my ears perk to

the sound of music

in the background.

So many issues

with

anxiety sneaking in from time

to time.

An eagerness to go

with nothing to do.

A wanting for love

and yet enjoying the

freedom of impulse.

Dreams 24/7 with my mind rummaging

of stories yet

papered,

but my focus is too stressed

to relinquish them.

So,

I usually let my mind run

as I venture

like a usual butterfly

into the abyss of conversation

and dancing.

June 14th

Sun begins to set,

blue skies

make a Saturday evening

brilliant.

Reheated veggie pizza

with a glass

of milk,

enjoying the breeze

humming music

with an indie feel.

Relaxed and pondering

some of life’s mysteries.

Too Late

Below is a writing prompt I did earlier this year for an online writing course.

Too late

She made the decision that she was going to go through with it. As soon as she did she felt as though a 100 ton building had immediately fallen on her shoulders. After that decision, that moment she knew that there was no turning back. Thoughts began to pour through her from every angle. There was no denial. Everything around her showed her what she had done. All that left was pure guilt, anxiety and regret.

She had made the decision not to and because of this there was so much not going to happen. “One small decision did this to me” she thought. Not only that but she knew that when she told him there would be burning questions and this could destroy so much.

This thing that they call stress it causes for many things to go array. Physically our bodies begin to show immediate signs. Sleep is lost. Our mind races and goes through every possible situation (or angle).

It was too late, but she wasn’t sure she couldn’t tell him yet. “How was I going to hide this from him? He reads me like an open book.” her mind raced. This man loved her more than most couples that have been together for lifetimes. She could be crying earlier in the day and not had been crying for hours and seemed bubbly and he would know that something was off. And here she was to put effort into trying to hide this from him when the insides of her were developing hot coals to torment her with and the shadows under her eyes were growing darker because of the lack of sleep.

She was to see him this afternoon. That day she had even thought about going to the spa before meeting him. “Really, that is a ridiculous amount of money to cover up this secret!” she said with disgust to herself. She knew that the best thing for her would be to just out right tell him, but that could ruin everything and she loved him dearly and knew that he had to know. Her stomach fluttered, not with endued excitement like lovers getting together after a long separation but with an overwhelming amount of fear.

They were to meet at their favorite restaurant. It was a date that was long overdue. She didn’t drink and she did’t go to the spa. She did however, take a long shower and pleaded with God that she wouldn’t lose him. She walked up and he was sitting at one of the tables on the patio. He greeted her with the same grin he had the moment he met her and stood up and gave her a breath taking hug and smooch. He then looked at her and with curious gentle eyes and he simply asked “What’s wrong, love?”. All that had been building up in her poured out to him. As she melted into his arms sobbing she told him the truth, the decision she made and she knew it was over. But, to her surprise he looked at her and proceeded with many questions just as she thought but there was no anger in his voice, body language or affection. He didn’t want to leave her, abandon her, but he wanted to listen.

The moment she had made the decision, she knew it was too late. But what she didn’t know was that too late doesn’t always mean you have to lose everything.

It's amazing to me how easy I am willing to stress about the nonsense that the world brings that I often forget about the joy of the moment. Recently the stress and anxiety that I have encountered has come from a situation that I have never faced before. The stress and anxiety I get is from the stupidest smallest scenarios that have absolutely nothing to with that situation. There has been a lot of ups and downs. I find that my threshold is lower than normal.

It took my mother and a good friend close to me to point it out that it's ok to be a mess. That I have been through a lot and I need to take a hiatus more often than normal and take care of myself. So, I have spent my Saturday afternoon at ease. Restaurants have been my favored location for a while and that is only fun for so long. I have always hated grocery shopping and cooking. I turned my music on, poured a glass of wine and spent two hours in the kitchen and loved every minute of it. It is the first moment in a long time that I enjoyed without a million thoughts flocking my mind every minute. And, dinner was quite delicious!

I have always considered myself a passionate and ambitious person. At times more often than normal, I find it exhausting. Today was refreshing. I could get used to this. I might even start cooking more. Well, we'll see about that.

I am taking from this what I can. I can enjoy the moment and still pursue and think about the future, and run with my imagination. I can try to stop comparing myself to others and beating myself up over where I think I should be. And, know that I have accomplished a lot. I look forward to many moments that captivate my attention keeping me refreshed and strong enough to handle the nonsense that the world brings.

Thank you for reading,

Signe

Middle of the night

With rooftops in my view and the cool fan swirling making it breezy and comfortable my mind is once again moving even though I am enjoying the quiet. I stumble upon an old classmate’s blog and decide that it’s high time that I create one. So, here I am at 12:48 am attempting my first post.

I am not somewhere around the world filling in family and friends of my travels (which I am hoping sometime in the near future that will be true for me), but I am here in little german village (Columbus) Ohio learning to enjoy where I am at and the relationships I have. My dreams and ambitions find time to overwhelm me often and I am hoping these blogs will put more things into perspective for me and at the same rate motivate me to push myself further.

Well, my eye lids are heavy and sleep is captivating me. Goodnight world.